Six months ago when we heard first felt from God that we were to trust him for the finances to get us to IHOP, my first response was to worry. To doubt, to conjure up scenario after scenario about how we would fundraise the huge amount we needed. Then the dollar started dropping, and soon the amount we were needing was so much higher than we had originally thought. My heart got anxious… so anxious. Even in the last two months, I’ve been struggling with God about whether the sacrifices we’ve made this past year have even been worth anything. I sometimes sit on my bed in our hot box squishy room at our parents house surrounded by boxes, suitcases and mess - and I cry. I know it’s trivial, I know it’s nothing in comparison to seeking His kingdom.. but sometimes, I just miss my house. I miss being me, in my space. Even less than 7 days out from leaving, I miss it.
And then something suddenly happens. He reminds me softly of who I am, of the plans, of the joy of the wonderful future he has for us. He sends his beautiful messengers to share their hearts, with their wonderful words of encouragement and knowledge - to speak into this next season and remind me how much it’s worth saying YES to Jesus. He speaks through them that we are warriors, servants, and that the Father trusts us and is ready to invest all he has into our identities. They remind me who I am. My heart and spirit jump with excitement, yet my mind is full of scattered thoughts and worries - disconnecting me from the vine, the life source.
And right as I’m feeling the driest and emptiest I’ve felt in a long time, and feeling sad about saying goodbye to all our precious ones.. he sends a beautiful heart who hands me a heavy envelope and whispers ‘I felt Him say you need this...'
I realise that this act of faith alone breaks my own unbelief and reveals the true root of my disconnect from the Father… that when we hold our hands too tightly closed, on our thoughts, ideals, perspectives; it means He can’t place faith into our hands and deposit joy in our hearts.
And so as I sit here and reflect, I realise that no sacrifice can be too great when it comes to saying YES to him. To learning to walk the surrendered, lonely path - the one that is narrow and hard. I don’t want any ‘no’ left in me when it comes to Jesus.. regardless of the cost, regardless of the missed cute homewares, the house we won’t buy and the things we won’t own. It’s worth it. And even if my heart forgets this, and I know it will.. I will continue to trust that my hands will remain open enough for him to deposit FAITH back into them.
"There's no shame in looking like a fool when I give you what I can't keep, and take a hold of You...."
Let this be our constant cry Jesus.
// I’ve got to honour my incredible husband Nick who has a crazy gift of faith and has been backing us in the spirit through this entire process. Thank-you babe, I love you xx