This season has been one of un-learning and relearning. My heart feels so stretched to it's limit, of things that He shows me.. the heart for the broken, the heart for the apathetic, the the heart for His chosen people and nation.. some times I just want to wither away under all of the things that He feels for them, yet, he locks eyes with me and says..will you still trust me?
And again when I come to him with all my thoughts and feelings about the future, and place them at His feet.. when I petition Him for more direction, and he remains silent. He whispers to us to trust His plan even though we don’t know it yet. Some days I feel so weak, so human, in my response to Him. How can I trust in so many unknowns? Yet even in my weakness to Him, he still looks to me, and whispers what He thinks about me.. that he has taken the weeds from my heart and transformed them into blossoming flowers. That I am a daughter and a servant that hears His heart and responds, and that my identity is secure in Him. That I am no longer Much-Afraid, but I am Grace and Glory, Peace and Joy, and that I carry His heartbeat. I sit with him and He quietly whispers to me.. though you cannot see and you do not know, will you still trust me?
The times I try to plan, I see him having a little giggle at my frantic panic. Like the time we had no flight to anywhere and I tried so hard to just book a flight home.. I felt his amused smile over how desperate I felt, the anxiety at our lack of direction filling up my spirit. I felt him gently say.. is this really my plan? And even as I clicked the button over and over, and the website crashed again and again, I didn’t get the message. Finally I cried angry tears in frustration, and someone said maybe God had different idea. And he did. So I stopped wrestling with my plans and weakly submitted them into His hands… and he said to me.. even though you have no plan, will you still trust me?
Then came the beauty of how his plan included time to rest in a beautiful location we never could have afforded if it weren’t for Him. And even as I sit here and try to process all the Father has weaved into us in the last 12 months, I get overwhelmed with gratitude. That he would give us time and space to process is truly just a gift of his kindness to us, and I have no words but thank-you Jesus.
And then again comes the future, so many unknowns, so many maybes and could be’s and might haves. Yet, I sit here again with no plan, with no ideas, with no direction.. but to sit at His feet and drink in His desires for this moment and this moment only. He looks at me and smiles.. even though nothing seems to line up, and you feel like you’re taking steps backwards.. will you still trust me?
And so here we are, again, completely in the dark to his beautiful plan, but so in the light of His grace and presence.. and if this is the way He choosing to bring forth love and devotion in my heart, I say yes. I say yes to the unknown and the ups and downs.. I say yes to trusting in His plan that only he has any blueprints for. Without vision people perish, but with His vision, with His eyes, oh the life we have in Jesus! So regardless of what the next season looks like.. I trust you Jesus.