Posts in learning to trust
Oh how I need You

Switzerland, Feb 2016. Yeshua, this truly has become my hearts cry over the last season. Oh how I need You! Without you I’m Much-Afraid, I’m a mess of thoughts and plans and ideas that really only amount to my own desires. You have begun to transform your desires to be my desires. You have transformed my heart to start to want what you want over anything that I do. You’ve taught me how to die, how to let the seed fall to the ground and become nothing so that you can plant me into your purposes, as a willing vessel. (John 12:24)

I needed You the most when I realised how much bigger your plan and story for the world is than just my little life. You’re weaving a beautiful tapestry of grace and power - so many prophetic passages you are fulfilling in my lifetime, bringing forth the beauty of your Son, the King of all the earth. Honestly I’m so overwhelmed that you would even let us be apart of your story, honoured feels like a cheap word. As we sat in the house of prayer that overlooks Jerusalem and sang out of your goodness, it hit me that we were being apart of the fulfilment of Isaiah 62:6 - that we were literal watchman posted on the walls of your great city. Again, all I can say is that I need you - I can’t even pray without your help, and certainly not intercede for your people. Your plan is so perfect, and we submit to your leadership Jesus.

Today as we sit in a little apartment that overlooks the mountains of Switzerland (which you so graciously gave us!), all I can think about is your faithfulness. The fact that you would make this little short time apart of your plan for us blows me away. A few weeks ago I started reading Hinds feet on high places, the beautiful story of Much-Afraid as she makes the journey to the high places. And here I am, looking out on the high places, the pinnacle of what you’ve taught me the last 12 months. Deep surrender. Deep trust. Forever falling and never in control.. yet completely safe on your path through the waves and the storm. You’ve taken me on a journey of being Much-Afarid, Anxious One, to transforming my name into Grace, into Glory, into Surrendered Trust.

The best part is that your glorious plan is not even a bit complete.. that with one life yielded to you Holy Spirit you can create such a beautiful tapestry of grace and beauty. That even in the in-between seasons, the ones that are not glamorous and don’t call for the attention of the masses.. that you are creating a story of beautiful humility, of complete surrender and trust. That the lower and less seen we are the more able you are to create something far greater with our little yes. Like the Great Shepherd said “the truth is that all the fairest beauties of the human soul, it’s greatest victories and achievements, are always those which no one sees. Every conquest over self love is a new flower on the tree of love.” (Hinds Feet on High Places)

So as we journey home and take our little yes to a familiar place with all of it’s comforts and routine, I continue to say that Yeshua I need you more than ever. Now that you have made me Surrendered Trust I need your help to live in that identity always. That my deepest love for you will outshine even the darkest day of winter. That Yeshua I love you with every part of my being and my desire is only for you. That I’m okay with being weak, being lowly, poor in spirit, that I actually feel more broken and helpless in my ability to do any ministry or do anything for you without You. Help me to never loose that. Because you spoke so clearly to me that it’s only when we are completely un-able in ourselves that you are made able.

With deepest love, Surrendered Trust

will you still trust Me?

This season has been one of un-learning and relearning. My heart feels so stretched to it's limit, of things that He shows me.. the heart for the broken, the heart for the apathetic, the the heart for His chosen people and nation.. some times I just want to wither away under all of the things that He feels for them, yet, he locks eyes with me and says..will you still trust me?

And again when I come to him with all my thoughts and feelings about the future, and place them at His feet.. when I petition Him for more direction, and he remains silent. He whispers to us to trust His plan even though we don’t know it yet. Some days I feel so weak, so human, in my response to Him. How can I trust in so many unknowns? Yet even in my weakness to Him, he still looks to me, and whispers what He thinks about me.. that he has taken the weeds from my heart and transformed them into blossoming flowers. That I am a daughter and a servant that hears His heart and responds, and that my identity is secure in Him. That I am no longer Much-Afraid, but I am Grace and Glory, Peace and Joy, and that I carry His heartbeat. I sit with him and He quietly whispers to me.. though you cannot see and you do not know, will you still trust me?

The times I try to plan, I see him having a little giggle at my frantic panic. Like the time we had no flight to anywhere and I tried so hard to just book a flight home.. I felt his amused smile over how desperate I felt, the anxiety at our lack of direction filling up my spirit. I felt him gently say.. is this really my plan? And even as I clicked the button over and over, and the website crashed again and again, I didn’t get the message. Finally I cried angry tears in frustration, and someone said maybe God had different idea. And he did. So I stopped wrestling with my plans and weakly submitted them into His hands… and he said to me.. even though you have no plan, will you still trust me?

Then came the beauty of how his plan included time to rest in a beautiful location we never could have afforded if it weren’t for Him. And even as I sit here and try to process all the Father has weaved into us in the last 12 months, I get overwhelmed with gratitude. That he would give us time and space to process is truly just a gift of his kindness to us, and I have no words but thank-you Jesus.

And then again comes the future, so many unknowns, so many maybes and could be’s and might haves. Yet, I sit here again with no plan, with no ideas, with no direction.. but to sit at His feet and drink in His desires for this moment and this moment only. He looks at me and smiles.. even though nothing seems to line up, and you feel like you’re taking steps backwards.. will you still trust me?

And so here we are, again, completely in the dark to his beautiful plan, but so in the light of His grace and presence.. and if this is the way He choosing to bring forth love and devotion in my heart, I say yes. I say yes to the unknown and the ups and downs.. I say yes to trusting in His plan that only he has any blueprints for. Without vision people perish, but with His vision, with His eyes, oh the life we have in Jesus! So regardless of what the next season looks like.. I trust you Jesus.

#7 When God is silent

Last year was a hard season, and looking back, I didn’t realise how dry and empty I was until the drought broke. It felt like for months and months, I didn’t hear a single word, single drop, single emotion from God. I would spend hours in the word, time at his feet, crying out for him to speak - but nothing came. It really was a winter season - like a bleak, cold, rainy day that shows no promise of sunshine. After a few months my devotion started to wane, quiet times became a chore.. and although my relationship with Jesus was very real and very much still there, I felt weary and sad that I felt so dry and emotionless. In that season I wondered if it was my fault, if there was sin or distraction taking his voice.. but as He’s led me to reflect on it, it’s quite obvious that it was the opposite. I was so hungry for God, I so desired his voice and his presence.. but He had lifted it from me - as a gift. He wasn’t withholding his presence from me as punishment, but as a gift to draw me closer to him. A gift to reveal the REAL state of my heart. A gift so that when the rain came, when the flood was emptied, my heart and soul would be ready - like a dry desert, to soak up all he wanted to say.

In Psalm 63 David talks about a time of deep hunger. A time where he was in a desert season in his intimacy with the Lord - but yet he praised Him. "Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.” He lifted his name high, and gave him the glory, instead of letting the hunger overcome him and doubt God's character.

Hunger is gift because it draws us closer to Jesus - it makes room in our hearts.. In a season of fullness, there is not always room for him. He makes room by hunger. A few weeks ago I heard this quote and it impacted my heart so deeply:

"Only the hungry get Jesus, you don't get him if you're not hungry. You cannot swim in the deep knowledge of God without swimming in the waters of hunger, longing and absence of his presence.” ~ Dana Candler.

Looking back I can see how God was making room. He was positioning my heart in a place to receive, to fill up the dry cracks of my soul with his life giving waters. He was teaching me that regardless of why I don’t feel him, I still have to run after him. Run with my brokenness, with my heart and with my love.. and choose to love him anyway. Sharks follow us everywhere in the waters of hunger, sharks of bitterness and offence.. the shark of ‘why’.. and I can see now that I spent too much time trying to figure out why I was dry and emotionless. Instead of letting the shark overcome my heart, He was continuing to train me to seek Him first, in the midst of the desert.

So today if you’re dry in your relationship with Jesus - continue to lean in. Continue to seek him, chase after all he has for you. Tell him that he’s the one that you love. He’s just growing your spirit for the rain that will surely come.

#1 When God places faith in your hands

Six months ago when we heard first felt from God that we were to trust him for the finances to get us to IHOP, my first response was to worry. To doubt, to conjure up scenario after scenario about how we would fundraise the huge amount we needed. Then the dollar started dropping, and soon the amount we were needing was so much higher than we had originally thought. My heart got anxious… so anxious. Even in the last two months, I’ve been struggling with God about whether the sacrifices we’ve made this past year have even been worth anything. I sometimes sit on my bed in our hot box squishy room at our parents house surrounded by boxes, suitcases and mess - and I cry. I know it’s trivial, I know it’s nothing in comparison to seeking His kingdom.. but sometimes, I just miss my house. I miss being me, in my space. Even less than 7 days out from leaving, I miss it.

And then something suddenly happens. He reminds me softly of who I am, of the plans, of the joy of the wonderful future he has for us. He sends his beautiful messengers to share their hearts, with their wonderful words of encouragement and knowledge - to speak into this next season and remind me how much it’s worth saying YES to Jesus. He speaks through them that we are warriors, servants, and that the Father trusts us and is ready to invest all he has into our identities. They remind me who I am. My heart and spirit jump with excitement, yet my mind is full of scattered thoughts and worries - disconnecting me from the vine, the life source.

And right as I’m feeling the driest and emptiest I’ve felt in a long time, and feeling sad about saying goodbye to all our precious ones.. he sends a beautiful heart who hands me a heavy envelope and whispers ‘I felt Him say you need this...'

I realise that this act of faith alone breaks my own unbelief and reveals the true root of my disconnect from the Father… that when we hold our hands too tightly closed, on our thoughts, ideals, perspectives; it means He can’t place faith into our hands and deposit joy in our hearts.

And so as I sit here and reflect, I realise that no sacrifice can be too great when it comes to saying YES to him. To learning to walk the surrendered, lonely path - the one that is narrow and hard. I don’t want any ‘no’ left in me when it comes to Jesus.. regardless of the cost, regardless of the missed cute homewares, the house we won’t buy and the things we won’t own. It’s worth it. And even if my heart forgets this, and I know it will.. I will continue to trust that my hands will remain open enough for him to deposit FAITH back into them.

"There's no shame in looking like a fool when I give you what I can't keep, and take a hold of You...."

Let this be our constant cry Jesus.

// I’ve got to honour my incredible husband Nick who has a crazy gift of faith and has been backing us in the spirit through this entire process. Thank-you babe, I love you xx

Don't let comparison have a party in your heart

For many years I let the giant of comparison dictate my every move. I let my thoughts, my emotions, how I dressed, what I posted, who I was friends with - you name it, and in some way I can guarantee comparison had niggled it’s way in.

The thing about comparison is that it doesn’t just leave it’s victims feeling insecure and unworthy, it lets fear, shame, and a whole lotta anxiety have one massive party in our hearts and minds. Which I know we’d all agree, isn’t cool and definitely isn’t God’s best for us.

The reason I can say this is that I was one of these victims (and honestly - I still am sometimes). I know the word ‘victim' might be a bit of a strong one - comparison can sometimes also be as much a choice as anything else, and we certainly ALL know what it feels like to choose to compare rather than REST in who we truly are. I say victim because I strongly believe that comparison is one of the enemy’s biggest weapons to kill and destroy who we are (esp. as women!) - especially who we are in Jesus.

The thing about being a victim is that we have a choice to move on, or to become a prisoner.. and I chose to make myself a prisoner to comparison.

2012 was a pretty rough year for me, God really opened up my heart and began to dig out all the things, and lets just say it how it is, all the SINS that were paralyzing my heart from really understanding His love for me. Fear was a big one, almost as big as his little bro comparison. You see fear and comparison really walk hand in hand. They trigger each other, they speak dirty words into your ears like, words like 'you'll never do as incredible things as that person has...'.

Comparison paralyses, it leaves us confused, fearful of the future and insecure about who we truly are.

Thoughts like this were what spiraled me out of control into one big anxious MESS (which is a much bigger story than I have words left for today - so maybe another time!). It could have been a lot worse and my anxiety struggles could have become a long loooongggg journey of overcoming (rather than just a year or so) if it hadn’t of been for how much I cried out to God in that time.

I remember being in group worship time, right at the very front, just balling out my heart, my prayers, my deep fears and my anxiety to God - which by the way, were very much rooted in the ugly sin of comparison.

The beautiful thing about Jesus is that he will never condemn us, but rather meet us where we’re at.

In that worship time that’s what He did. In my spirit I felt him standing in front of me - he told me to reach out my hands into his, and to look into his eyes. Oh those beautiful eyes! I felt I could get lost in them forever.

He said to me ‘keep your eyes on me...'

Those five little words changed my existence.. because when we fix our eyes on Him, all things fade away, and we really do feel like little silly fools for thinking that He wouldn’t create us unique, valuable and with a different story to any other person on earth! In that moment he became my ONLY measuring stick; because he is the only one worthy of our comparison. When we compare ourselves to Jesus, rather than being met with how unworthy we are we’re instead met with his incredible grace to meet us where we ARE.

It’s been a journey for me, learning to truly FIX MY EYES on Him only. I’ve had to learn to let everything go through the lens of His eyes, and although sometimes I forget and begin to compare again, he takes me aside and whispers quietly in my ear ‘keep your eyes on me..’ and my whole world crumbles once again - because I’m wrecked for anything but ALL that he has for me… and it’s become plainly clear that I can never get there when comparison is in my life.

So let His eyes be what guide you - and give comparison the boot. It’s a choice to entertain those thoughts, so instead of letting them making you prisoner, be set free to enjoy the beauty, love and light of the plans he has for you - that are unique to YOU and you alone.


When our eyes wander..

Last week had such beautiful potential for me to be at rest and in complete surrender to Jesus. When we have weeks like this one, it’s the perfect opportunity to stretch us, to use the things He’s teaching us.. but instead, I started to let worry and anxiety trickle back in.

We started looking into flights and all the details for our trip to the US, and I know from the moment I started thinking about it that I had the choice to enter into worry and stress, or to let God handle it.. He is the master craftsman of flying, he could get us there without even hopping on a plane, and yet, there I was, sitting at my computer googling every option under the sun freaking out about how much it was going to cost.

It wasn’t till I sat down to try and sort out my frazzled brain that I realised that this whole week I’ve spent thinking - but not thinking through His eyes. His beautiful, perfect eyes - when I look into them all fear, worry and stress evaporates.. and I remember who I am, and who he has created me to be.

When we think through His eyes, when we filter every thought, every action, through the lens of Jesus.. things start to get shaken up, they start to get a bit radical and look a bit different. They start to look like taking the option that the world says is crazy, and making it your ONLY option and without a back up plan - because you trust in those eyes with such a tenacity and passion, that nothing else looks appealing but to follow where they lead you.

I sat down tonight to write something, anything.. and was profoundly met again by the revelation of combating worry with resting in who he is - the truth of his promises..

We choose to enter into worry and stress, even though we KNOW they don’t help, satisfy, or bring anything good into our lives. We still choose them, even though we know they're not good for us. We choose to worry over the silliest little pathetic things that God could just wipe away in a moment, instead of choosing to fix our eyes on him. The more we worry, the harder it gets to lock eyes with him and the harder it gets to trust. The harder it gets to remember that same passion and tenacity that we had.

When we first felt God was saying to us to trust him for thousands of dollars to get us to the next place he has for us - my first response was worry.. days of worry, doubt, and fear.. followed by this revelation. Once I fixed my eyes firmly again - oh how much easier it got to trust, to listen, and to lean in without holding back! The enemy does everything he can to try and cloud our minds with worry.. he can’t stand looking at Jesus’ face, and so as soon as we choose to lock eyes with Him, we instantly banish the enemy’s power over us to worry.

So today I'm choosing to remember the trust I have in Him - the tenacity, the passion He gives when my eyes are fixed on his only.

I pray that my little journey encourages you today. x